Oh, uh, hey.

Still nothing going on here at Malevolent & Benign for the foreseeable future, but on the off chance anyone's still got this joint saved to their RSS feeds, I wanted to mention some current blogular projects.

Phasic Archives is my personal attempt at a a multimedia cyclopedia of the planet Vanth and its denizens, an Encounter Critical themed congeries of pulp covers, retro-futurism, sci-fi and sci-fantasy illustration, and the odd audio and video.

Alone With the Sandwich is a collection of sandwiches I made, photographed, and ate. I bet you like sandwiches.

Digby the Toematurge

Something foolish for April, originally written for the sadly moribund Lexicon of Vanth.

Ptolemy "Digby" Digicarpus (1245-1321 Blackhawk Municipal Calendar) was a master warlock, champion speed-walker and the sole inventor of the toematurgical arts. Though he is considered a somewhat pedestrian figure by most modern historians of magic, the "Ten Toes of Digby" are still widely circulated and invoked by practicing warlocks.

A brief review of his career in toto shows Digby's treadmarks all across the lands of Vanth. Quite literally, in fact, as Digby is generally considered to be the only person to circumnavigate known Vanth by walking (a feat which is now highly improbable due to the collapse of the Great Salt Bridge into what is now known as the Salty Bay). In the months after his return to the City of Blackhawk, bedridden with crippling calluses, Digby researched the telemorphic spell Big Step, a variation of The Walking Boots of Sinotroan Nine Zed designed for long-distance locomotion.

Once his calluses healed, an incognito Digby shoehorned his way into a band of adventurers intent on digging up the bones of the dracotyrannoid Parathraxus Rex. Sadly, the paleontological raiding party fell afoul of the giant Klawfoot Kloot, and none but Digby returned from the journey. He devoted himself thereafter to spell research and Blackhawk's underground extreme speed-walking leagues. Ostensibly retired from adventuring, Digby was still a fixture at the annual Blackhawk Dungeon Crawl, Walk or Run, competing in the Ten Level division to the last.

For all his accomplishments, Digby came to an ignominious end. Invited to a charity dance contest, the septuagenarian warlock instead found himself in a disco duel with the henchmen of the sinister duckoid psi-knight Quincunx du Mallard. Too proud to admit defeat, Digby matched every move of Sheikh LeFreak and Deney 3PO,¹ but sprained his ankle attempting a reverse gravity electric slide. Exhausted and lamed, Digby was trapped in a mirror mind globe by the black-brained du Mallard and forced to dance himself to death.

Simon Blotto, Scribe of the Grand Library of Morgendorgen

1. Additional henchmen of Quincunx du Mallard include Vinnie Mallardino, Cha-Ka Khan & the Fever Knight.

Encounter Creebobby

I think I'll start using this for Encounter Critical chargen:



See more comics, download free music, and bask in general awesomeness at Jacob Borshard's website Creebobby.com.

EDITED FOR EXPONENTIAL AWESOMENESS at 9:46 AM:
Just realized there are expansion tables!

Halloween Movie Review: Don't Go Back to the Island (1977)

Few people know about this ill-conceived take-off-cum-rip-off of Maurice Sendak's classic Where the Wild Things Are. I can only guess that if Mr Sendak himself ever saw it he wisely chose to ignore it rather than give it any undue publicity by suing the hell out of the producers. It's a clumsy, terribly acted slasher flick with hilariously bad monster costumes and gruesome gore effects. The plot centers on a teenage hoodlum named Max, who bullies his equally dumb friends into stealing a speedboat and motoring out to the remote island he used to visit as a kid.

There, in the manner of slasher pics, each of the teens meets a grisly end, but not before Max sets himself up as a petty tyrant over his peers. I'm sure the writer/director thought he was making a very clever allusion to Lord of the Flies, but it's as hamfisted as everything else about this movie.

Eventually, having betrayed all of his friends/subjects, Max is alone, chased by every monster on the island. Interminably chased, in a night-for-night sequence that seems to last for twenty minutes and fails to generate any tension at all. In the end, within sight of the boat Max is caught, swiftly dismembered and greedily devoured.

The director manages one of his few effective shots at the very end of his movie, as the camera pans slowly away from the gory feast and tracks back into the woods, accompanied by a voice-over that's actually rather haunting:

...the blood ran out over earth
and in and out of stones
and through the grass
and into the pile of his very own bones
where they had made a supper of him

and it was still hot.