Mad Wizards and Demented Godlings

Achaierai: "Though the foul motives which caused these loathsome birds to be first summoned from the infernal depths are now lost from memory, remnants of the original achaierai flock still stalk the earth..."

Bulette: "The bulette (or landshark) was thought to be extinct until recently when this horror reappeared. It was the result of a mad wizard's experimental cross breeding of a snapping turtle and armadillo with infusions of demons' ichor."

Catoblepas: "Perhaps its habitat — fetid swamps and miasmal marshes — caused the bizarre combination of genetic characteristics in this monster, or perhaps it was due to some ghastly tinkering with life by a demented godling."

Death Knight: "The death knight – and there are only twelve of these dreadful creatures known to exist – is a horrifying form of lich created by a demon price (it is thought Demogorgon) from a fallen human paladin."

Derro: "The derro are a degenerate race of dwarf-like stature, possibly a cross between evil humans and dwarves."

Dragonne: "A weird cross between a brass dragon and a giant lion..."

Gnoll (Rules Compendium): "Gnolls are rumored to be the result of a magical combination of a gnome and a troll by an evil magic-user."

Iron Cobra: "The invention of some great magic-user or minor deity, this segmented automaton is made of an unknown metal and shaped in imitation of a snake."

Killer Frog: "They are man-eating, specially bred mutants" created by (per Supplement II: Blackmoor) "a 'religious' order...[which] delved into the forbidden areas of study and determined that animals have more potential to populate the world than man, who was, after all, a biological abomination which would ultimately threaten the existence of all life....Combining the natural animals available with each other — through the use of biological mutations and methods discovered in old manuscripts — the Brothers began developing the killer frogs of the swamp."

Lava Children: "They are the unnatural offspring of a union between spirits of earth and fire."

Magnesium Spirit: "It is believed that only three or four of these creatures exist, having been summoned originally to the Prime Material Plane, and stranded there, by an evil magic-user who died as a result of the strain of the summoning."

Minimal: "They were (and possibly are yet) created by means of spells similar to those that were so successful in creating giant reptiles, insects, amphibians and the like." (!)

Monsters of Palladium Fantasy: Even among high fantasy worlds, Palladium is unusually crowded with things born of insane tinkering, reckless summonings, and long forgotten curses. The ass-headed, peacock-tailed adram is probably "the result of some ancient, misbegotten enchantment," and the bearmen of the north of "some magical experiment gone awry." The three-headed beast dragon is thought to have been conjured to fight for one side or the other in the dwarf/elf wars, though "[n]either elf nor dwarf has ever taken credit." We've barely started the alphabet yet.

The harpies, rumor has it, were unleashed by the tantrum of a crabby high priest and his petulant deity. The loogaroo might be accursed witches. The immortal scarecrows were "originally created two hundred years ago by an insane diabolist/alchemist.... Hundreds were created as an army before the madman was slain." 

Also thought to be spawned by the conjury, perverse husbandry, or summoning of wizards, diabolists, alchemists, et alia: black jelly and green mold, the chimera, the pegasus and the peryton, the lizardoid eandroths, the grotesque maxpary, the sundevils, and the fell Worms of Taut.

Mud-Man: "Mud-men are formed in pools of mud where enchanted waters (even mildly enchanted ones, such as a stream eroding a magical structure) collect and evaporate and concentrate the dweomer." Hmmm, concentrated dweomer. Like, if the enchanted pond or whatever dries up could you glean dweomer like salt crystals?

Owlbear: "The horrible owlbear is probably the result of genetic experimentation by some insane wizard."

Peryton: "[L]ikely the result of the same type of experimentation as brought about the owlbear."

Quickling: "These small, slender, extremely fast-moving creatures are said to be a race of brownies who dabbled in magic and mysteries better left alone. Thus, legend relates, the little folk were changed into evil creatures of great maliciousness..."

Quickwood (Spy Tree): "It is said that the quickwood grows only through the magical offices of some great wizard (or possibly druid) who planted a mandragora root after ensorcelling it with mighty spells. Others claim that these weird trees are a natural progression of vegetable life towards a state equivalent to man's."

Retriever: "Retrievers are constructed by Demogorgon in his laboratories in the Abyss..."

Sahuagin: "The exact origin of the sahuagin is unknown. It is suggested that they were created from a nation of particularly evil humans by the most powerful of lawful evil gods in order to preserve them when the deluge came upon the earth. The tritons, however, are purported to have stated that sahuagin are distantly related to the sea elves, claiming that the drow spawned the sahuagin."

Shade: "All knowledgeable authorities agree that shades are, or were, normal humans who through arcane magic or dark sciences have traded their souls or spirits for the essence of shadowstuff....The method of transmuting from living being to unliving shade life has been lost."

Shock Bones (Arduin): "These are the practical joke of the mad techno 'Dirty Harry' and have fooled several very smug clerics."

Skeleton Warrior: "It is said that the skeleton warriors were forced into their lich-like state ages ago by a powerful and evil demi-god who trapped each of their souls in a golden circlet."

Sons of Kyuss: "Kyuss was an evil high priest, creating the first of these creatures under instruction from an evil deity. Since then the 'sons' have increased considerably in numbers."

Spirit Troll: "This odious creature is the product of perverted magical inter-breeding of trolls and invisible stalkers, thought the secret of its creation is lost and only thirty or so of these creatures are known to exist."

Stegocentipede: "It is probable that stegocentipedes developed on some far removed parallel world or were the creation of some insane genetic manipulator."

Teleport-Rose (Arduin): "A magikal creation usually conjured by a magician for a special reason."

Thoul (Rules Compendium): "A thoul is a magical combination of a ghoul, a hobgoblin, and a troll."

Vision: "Misguided research by a high-level illusionist (which led quickly to his death) created the visions – summoned beings which appear as shadows."

Wizards of Mystara (Rules Compendium): Upon reaching name level, an independent magic-user "may build or seize a tower....After the magic-user moves into his tower, he may choose to build a dungeon beneath or near it....If, once one or more levels of the dungeon are completed, the wizard leaves an unguarded opening into the dungeon, monsters will be attracted and will build lairs." Perfect.

(All quotations from the AD&D Monster Manual, Fiend Folio, and Monster Manual II, the Arduin Grimoires Volumes 1 and 2, Palladium Fantasy's Monsters & Animals and the Rules Compendium. Achaierai by Russ Nicholson, Iron Cobra by Alan Hunter, both colored by Max the Younger. The Wizard's Shotgun by K.C. Green.)

* * * * *
Hear This: Wizards! Witch Cults! Spell casters! Always conjuring the wrong sort of wildlife.

Their Own Weird Language

Mysteries of consciousness, sentience, and language.

Algoid: "[A] colony of algae which, assembled in [humanoid] form, has developed...a rudimentary intelligence."

Apsis: "Apsis drones speak their own language and 5% will be able to speak Common. They do not have a written language per se but may communicate by using subtle scents and perfumes."

Talks with its mouth full.

Babbler: "The babbler communicates with a kind of quasi-lingual babbling tongue which defies efforts at analysis and learning by humans. It can understand the common tongue in a rudimentary fashion."

Bat (Mobat): "These monsters have a dim, evil intelligence and a desire for shiny objects."

Bodak: "They speak the tongue of demons and demonic creatures well but remember few words of human speech."

Bonesnapper: "Though non-intelligent, the bonesnapper has inherited a primeval instinct for the collection of human bones, particularly jawbones, which it uses to decorate its subterranean lair. The number of such bones discovered in a lair will give a good indication of its status among its kind."

Boring Beetle: "These creatures are individually not of much greater intelligence than others of their kind, but it is rumored that groups develop a communal intelligence which generates a level of consciousness and reasoning ability approximating that of the human brain."

Blink Dogs: "These brown and yellowish creatures are as intelligent as normal humans and have a fairly complex language consisting of barks, yaps, whines, and growls.

Carnivorous Apes: "The beast has fair intelligence (IQ 70+) and is very cunning." Elsewhere, it is noted that hobgoblins "speak the rudimentary tongue of carnivorous apes."

A riddle, inside an enigma, wrapped in a, well, in a cloak.

Cloaker: "Though they are highly intelligent, their thought processes are alien to most races and usually only magic-users are able to communicate with them."

Dark Creeper: Their "language [is] incomprehensible to linguists."

Dire Corby: "They have rudimentary language (their attack cry can be recognised as 'Doom! Doom!' by those familiar with it)."

Dolphin: No mention of language but it seems assumed. They are Very Intelligent, lawful good, and some live in communities and keep swordfish or narwhals as guard animals and pets.
(Rules Compendium): Dolphins "have their own high-pitched language. They can communicate telepathically with other dolphins within 50 miles..."

Dragonnel: "These creatures have a dim intelligence and have been known to perform evil deeds at times."

Fire Toad: No mention of language or social organization but has Low intelligence (5-7) and will usually only attack if "threatened, molested or in defense of its treasure."

Fungoid Minds: The ascomid, basidirond, phycomid, ustilagor, and zygom are each given an "Unratable" Intelligence in their stat blocks. "Ustilagors have no intelligence or mind as defined by human standards, so mental attacks do not affect them. These monsters do, however, have some form of brain, for they have psionic powers."

Giant Beaver: "Giant beavers sometimes trade, and if coins or other valuables are offered they can sometimes be persuaded to undertake the building of dam-like constructions if there is water near the work site, for they use such water to work in/from."

Giant Eagle: "They have their own language and can also communicate through a limited form of telepathy."

Giant Harvester Termite: "Communications between giant termites are usually accomplished by touching of the antennae. In crisis situations, a broadcast telepathic call is sent out."

Giant Lynx: "Giant lynx speak their own language."

Giant Owl: "Giant owls speak their own language,...are intelligent and will sometimes befriend other creatures."

Gibberlings: "Though they clearly have a primitive means of communicating among themselves, they have no discernable language."

Gorbel: Despite being listed as Non-Intelligent, gorbels have personalities – "mischievous, fickle and irritable."

Gray Ooze: "In exceptionally large individuals intelligence of a sort is well developed."

Grig: "[T]hey speak Common as well if they choose to slow their speech and pitch it downwards in scale."
Quickling: "Most can speak many words of Common, although at a high pitch and too quickly to be easily understood."

Hangman Tree: "A [hangman tree] can speak haltingly in Common learned over the years." (Learned from its victims? Like a parrot? *Tree voice* "Creaak! Help! Help! Creak! Chop it down!")

Harpy: "They speak their own language and none other."

Hook Horror: "A hook horror cannot speak but communicates with others of its kind by making clacking noises with the exoskeleton – an eerie sound which can alarm the unwary as it echoes around dungeon corridors"

Ibathene (Arduin): "They are so stupid they sometimes fight on even after killed (1-20 turns, roll) because they don't know they're dead!"

Ice Toad: "The ice toads have their own weird language."

Imp: "Imps have average intelligence plus devilish cunning. As familiars they are able to call upon the intelligence of arch-devils."
Quasit: "Although intelligence is low, quasits are sly and cunning, and in certain situations they are able to call upon the thinking power of a demon lord."

Juju Zombie: "A hateful light burns in the monster's eyes, as it realizes its condition and wishes to destroy living things."

Kenku and Killmoulis: On facing pages, it's said of both the kenku and the killmoulis that they "appear to communicate with each other on the telepathic level." That is, kenku appear to have telepathy with other kenku, and killmoulis with other killmoulis, not the two species with each other...so far as is known, I suppose.

Kuo-Toa: "[T]hey speak their own arcane tongue and can communicate with most fish by empathic means."

Manster (Arduin): "They're essentially free-willed flesh golems but must imbibe at least four quarts of human blood each day in order to keep functioning with free will." That right there is pretty messed up. Blood as consciousness? Could that be how vampires keep their freshly turned thralls subservient, by not feeding them enough to regain the free will they had while living?

Mimic: "The killer mimics do not speak, but the other [smaller] breeds have their own language and can usually speak several other tongues such as common, orcish, etc. For consideration they will usually tell a party about what they have seen nearby."

Mind Flayer: "These monsters speak only their own arcane language and several other weird tongues — purportedly those of terrible races of things which dwell in regions of the subterranean world far deeper than mankind has ever ventured."

Mite: "So far as can be detected, they have no language as such – their vocal twittering does not appear to convey more than very rudimentary information."
Snyad: "They have no language, so far as can be ascertained, yet a group will work co-operatively together, and they and the mites appear to be able to gain speedy mutual understanding in their common task."

Mongrelman: "They speak fragmented Common mixed with various animal cries and nonsense. Their names are almost always the sounds animals make."

Muckdwellers: "These monsters speak their own croaking-hissing tongue and possibly that of lizard men."

Mustard Jelly: Has an Average Intelligence per its stat block, and is described as "not unintelligent, [but] not known to value treasure of any sort." The ascetic philosophers of the jellies and slimes, given to contemplation when not seeping about in dungeons in search of prey?

Otyugh and Neo-Otyugh: "Otyugh speak their own language and are semi-telepathic, thus often able to communicate with other life forms when the otyugh so desire." The neo-otyugh "are slightly better at telepathic communication."

Raven (and Crow): "Ravens and crows have their own, limited language" of "raucous calls and, possibly, movements as well." "Certain ravens, including some huge and most giant specimens, can speak as many as 100 words of the common tongue and can communicate in meaningful phrases. Huge ravens tend toward a malicious disposition and are known to serve evil masters when opportunity permits."

Slime Creature: "The vegetable intelligence of slime creatures is of animal nature, but their cunning enables them to learn from experience. They can also use their cunning to lay traps. Slime creatures have limited telepathic communication with their own kind effective in a radius of up to 20"." What's that again? A vegetable intelligence of animal nature? Slime creatures are the originally humanoid or animal hosts for colonies of olive slime, so perhaps their brains survive, neurons and synapses overgrown with slime tendrils. Or perhaps this is just a case of it being awkward to edit the boss of the company for clarity.

Snow Ape (Rules Compendium): "Although they cannot make intelligible sounds, snow apes communicate with each other using a complex sign language. In addition, snow apes often leave messages for each other using a system of stacked rocks and snowballs."

Sussurus: "Though it has no language as such, a sussurus communicates with others of its kind by slight and subtle variation in the dronesong; however it is only very rarely that two sussuri are close enough together to communicate in this way."

Tasloi: "Tasloi speak their own language and can also speak the languages of monkeys and apes....Often they can be heard at night, speaking in their high and whispery voices."

Trapper and Miner: Each of these ambush hunters is listed as "Highly" Intelligent in its stat block. Maybe they're somehow related to the cloakers.

Vegepygmy: "Although they do not have a spoken language, they are capable of vocalized cries. Their major form of communication is a code of chest slappings and thumpings."

Whale, Narwhal (Rules Compendium): "It is an intelligent magical creature, very independent and secretive."

Worg ("neo-dire wolf"): "These creatures have a language..."
Winter Wolf: "They have their own language and can also converse with worgs."

Xag-Ya and Xeg-Yi: "High (mindless by human standards)"

Xaren: "Xaren speak a bizarre tongue but telepathy or knowledge of tongues can aid one in understanding them."

Yellow Mold: "When formed into great colonies of at least 300 square feet in area this growth will form a collective intelligence about 1 time in 6."

(All quotations from the AD&D Monster Manual, Fiend Folio, and Monster Manual II, the Arduin Grimoires Volumes 1 and 2 and the Rules Compendium. Babbler by Russ Nicholson, Yellow Mold unsigned but looks like David A. Trampier, both colored by Max the Younger; Cloaker by Erol Otus.)

* * * * *

Hear This: What is language? It's a virus from outer space! It's impossible birds!

Rumor Has It That The Truth is Hidden

Or, Against Certainty

I like it when monster books include rumors and wild speculations about the origins, powers and goals of monsters. There's certainly room for a bit of Greenwoodesque cryptozoological minutia, but with too much explanation I think you end up losing some of the essential weirdness of a world full of monsters. Not everything about a monster needs to be known! Suggesting—alongside a monster's statistics, description, detailed summaries of its arms and armor, its alliances and hatreds, its favorite foods, etc.—that some of what's believed about it might merely be conjecture or legendry gives a monster life beyond the text itself.

Aboleth: "There are reports of huge underwater cities built by the aboleths and those they enslaved. But these reports, along with the stories of their vast stores of knowledge, have never been proven."

Death Dog: "These vicious hounds...are said to be the descendents of Cerberus; their loud penetrating double bark tends to lend support to this theory." Uhhm...if you say so my dude. I mean, doesn't a double bark just prove they have two heads?

Derro: "[T]hey venture out upon the surface of the earth at night through secret shaft openings to steal and kidnap humans for slaves. Rumor says that some humans are actually eaten as well....The derroes are said to have a major stronghold somewhere deep beneath the ground, and there their savants plot and scheme to devastate the upper world and enslave all mankind." These rumors were conclusively proven by Richard Sharpe Shaver, but he, like the Flat Earthers and Room 237ers after him, has gone sadly unheeded.

Elementals: "On the elemental plane of earth there exists a boss rumored to be of astounding size." "The ruler of all fire elementals is reported to be known as the tyrant." "It is possible that [the water elementals] are ruled by a god-like king." That the air elementals have a queen who is "both powerful and has certain magical abilities" does not, according to the text, seem to be in any doubt.

Eye of Fear and Flame: "It is said that the eyes of fear and flame were either created by the chaotic evil gods for the destruction of lawfuls, or by the lawful/neutral gods for their testing. The truth is hidden. It is rumoured that only about twenty of these creatures exist."

Fire Snake: "It is conjectured that fire snakes are larval salamanders."

Flying Turtles (Palladium Fantasy): "An extremely rare creature that myth says led mankind from barbarism to the beginning of civilization." Seems legit.

Frost Man: "To date, these creatures have only been encountered singly and the location of their lair, its type and their pattern of living are unknown. It is thought that there are villages of frost men, with females and children, buried in deep caves in mountains, mainly in cold regions. None have yet been able to establish the veracity of these rumours."

Guardian Familiar: "Its means of summoning, though they involve the casting of the find familiar spell, are known only to a small group of arcane magicians (and those few who they train in their specialist art) and are believed to involve bargaining with the denizens of the Outer Planes on which the guardian familiars dwell."

Harpy (Palladium Fantasy): "Although no religion admits to it, it's suspected that the harpies were the creation of one of the gods. Legend has it that a high priest, vexed at a petty crime, called down a great curse. The god responded, irritated and vengeful, with a plague of harpies....There is a second part of the legend that says when the high priest is destroyed, the harpies will be banished. However, the unknown cleric would have to be pretty old since harpies have been known for hundreds of years."

Kappa (Palladium Fantasy): "These malicious little creatures were once believed to be water sprites, but it is now known to be a strange, semiaquatic race said to be older than elves." From legend to fact to speculation in one world-building sentence. Only a nominal similarity to the kappa of Japanese folklore, by the way. These are little crab-hand dudes.

Kraken: "It is said that at one time these creatures were smaller, lived in shallow coastal waters, and had human worshippers who served them and brought them sacrifices."

Leprechaun: "Rumor has it leprechauns are a species of halfling with a strong strain of pixie."

Lizard Mage (Palladium Fantasy): "Rumor has it that the lizard mages were among the first rulers of the Palladium World....A separate claim has it that they created the race of elves! Certain cults actually take this nonsense seriously."

Minotaur (Palladium Fantasy): "The minotaurs were probably wandering vegetarians at one point. Large fields of bones in the Baalgor Wasteland testify to some concentrated effort to wipe them out." Driven into mazes and dungeons by range wars and overgrazing?

Pech: "No one knows what the pech actually are, or whether they are from the Prime Material or Earth Planes."

Quaggoth: "Little is known of these great white shaggy bipeds. Some say they once formed a warlike cannibal race – their aggressiveness is unquestioned."

Sea Serpent (Palladium Fantasy): "Folklore says that the dark forces that rule the Land of the Damned nurture and breed sea serpents to guard its northern coasts."

Shocker: "It is quite clear that this creature does not have its origin on the Prime Material Plane, though its purpose in visiting that plane has not been divined; some say it is from the Negative Material Plane while others postulate the existence of an Electromagnetic Material Plane coterminous with all three Material Planes and the Elemental Plane."

Spriggan (Palladium Fantasy): "Their apparent mission in life is to erect large slabs of stone in a multitude of circular patterns....Why they build these pillars and stone-henge like circles is a mystery even to the Spriggans, who do what they do 'because!'"

Sussurus: "The sussurus is believed to have a life-span of over 1,000 years."

Triton: "Tritons are rumored to be creatures from the elemental plane of water which have been planted on the material plane for some purpose presently unknown to men."

Whale, Narwhal (Rules Compendium): "It is rumored that their horns vibrate in the presence of evil."

Displacer Beast (Rules Compendium): "It is suspected that displacer beasts and blink dogs both come from some faraway plane of existence, and are at war with one another throughout the dimensions." What.

A multitude of dimensions, entire universes...mere backdrop for an episode of Wild Kingdom.

(All quotations from the AD&D Monster Manual, Fiend Folio, and Monster Manual II, Palladium Fantasy's Monsters & Animals and the Rules Compendium. Derro by Jim Holloway, colored by Max the Younger; Lizard Mage by Kevin Siembieda; Blink Dogs at a kill by David A. Trampier.)

* * * * *

Hear This: Oh, you heard a rumor disco died? Nah son, disco is eternal.

Digby the Toematurge

Something foolish for April, originally written for the sadly moribund Lexicon of Vanth.

Ptolemy "Digby" Digicarpus (1245-1321 Blackhawk Municipal Calendar) was a master warlock, champion speed-walker and the sole inventor of the toematurgical arts. Though he is considered a somewhat pedestrian figure by most modern historians of magic, the "Ten Toes of Digby" are still widely circulated and invoked by practicing warlocks.

A brief review of his career in toto shows Digby's treadmarks all across the lands of Vanth. Quite literally, in fact, as Digby is generally considered to be the only person to circumnavigate known Vanth by walking (a feat which is now highly improbable due to the collapse of the Great Salt Bridge into what is now known as the Salty Bay). In the months after his return to the City of Blackhawk, bedridden with crippling calluses, Digby researched the telemorphic spell Big Step, a variation of The Walking Boots of Sinotroan Nine Zed designed for long-distance locomotion.

Once his calluses healed, an incognito Digby shoehorned his way into a band of adventurers intent on digging up the bones of the dracotyrannoid Parathraxus Rex. Sadly, the paleontological raiding party fell afoul of the giant Klawfoot Kloot, and none but Digby returned from the journey. He devoted himself thereafter to spell research and Blackhawk's underground extreme speed-walking leagues. Ostensibly retired from adventuring, Digby was still a fixture at the annual Blackhawk Dungeon Crawl, Walk or Run, competing in the Ten Level division to the last.

For all his accomplishments, Digby came to an ignominious end. Invited to a charity dance contest, the septuagenarian warlock instead found himself in a disco duel with the henchmen of the sinister duckoid psi-knight Quincunx du Mallard. Too proud to admit defeat, Digby matched every move of Sheikh LeFreak and Deney 3PO,¹ but sprained his ankle attempting a reverse gravity electric slide. Exhausted and lamed, Digby was trapped in a mirror mind globe by the black-brained du Mallard and forced to dance himself to death.

Simon Blotto, Scribe of the Grand Library of Morgendorgen

1. Additional henchmen of Quincunx du Mallard include Vinnie Mallardino, Cha-Ka Khan & the Fever Knight.

Encounter Creebobby

I think I'll start using this for Encounter Critical chargen:



See more comics, download free music, and bask in general awesomeness at Jacob Borshard's website Creebobby.com.

EDITED FOR EXPONENTIAL AWESOMENESS at 9:46 AM:
Just realized there are expansion tables!

Spellbook Schmellbook

Twenty-One Mnemonic Tools for Magic-Users

1. A book, whether leathern grimoire, apprentice's lesson book, recipe file or collection of dirty limericks which are in fact cunning linguistic mnemonics
2. A Rune-carved staff or magic wand
3. The wizard's own beard or hair, with spell components woven into it in a complex arrangement of knots
4. A pointy wizard's cap, magician's silk top hat or priestly miter.
5. A talking mirror or mask of the wizard's own face
6. The shell of a great conch into which new spells are spoken when learned and echoed back each morning
7. A deck of cards depicting strange glyphs or scenes of thaumaturgical symbolism
8. A strand of fetishes worn around the neck
9. A familiar animal or homunculus which dwells in the wizard's robes or pouch, creeping out to whisper spells while its master sleeps.
10. Pill box, klein bottle or syringe providing a daily dosage of spells
11. Brazier, censer or pipe from which magic is smoked or inhaled
12. Yarrow stalks, knuckle bones, or dice with which a day's spells may be divined
13. A transistor radio tuned to a secret frequency
14. A star chart or planar codex indicating the locations of the gods, demons or aliens who send the mage her spells
15. An illustrated broadsheet depicting sacred postures or arcane calisthenics
16. A cube of shifting cubes, which must be properly ordered according to the enchantments desired
17. Musical instrument on which spells may be rehearsed
18. A tiny ceremonial blade and stylus the sorcerer uses to write his spells in blood
19. Chymical oils, unguents or paints used to mark the wizard's skin
20. Chess, backgammon or go board on which the day's spells are played through
21. Mother box, wrist-computer or Personal Dweomer Assistant

Throwing Myself Off the Bridge

Basic D&D at the Milwaukee D&D Meet Up

Yesterday I ran my first face-to-face game in twenty years. After a year of solo tinkering and playing in other people's games I wanted to take my own turn behind the screen. Of course immediately after the Meet Up was announced I started wondering what the hell I was thinking. I had a low level case of nerves most of last week, and in my typical procrastinative fashion I was still keying the last few rooms of the dungeon an hour and a half before game time. As I left for our venue I was downright jittery: What if I stink? Will they think Basic is lame? Will I fail to advance the glorious Old School Revolution? What if I forget to wear pants?

Despite my worries I think the day went smashingly! I had a blast, and from what I could tell the players did too. I had five players, with a wide range of ages and experience. Tony and I have played 3.5 before; Joe runs Fourth Edition games; Andy and Mark are younger guys who'd played D&D Minis but not much tabletop roleplaying; and Keith is a gentleman of the old school, whose copy of the Rules Compendium I was sorely tempted to purloin.

We started off with character generation, using a handy four page handout I repurposed from Jeff Rients' Big Stupid Dungeon Party, and ended up with a cleric, two dwarfs, an elf and One Thumb the halfling. The players seemed to catch the spirit of exploration from the start, with a good balance of cautious dungeoneering and kick-in-the-door impulsiveness.

They were exploring the site of an (apparently) abandoned archaeological dig, a partially excavated temple complex somehow buried whole in solid rock. When they found an exposed section of the temple wall, a sixty foot stretch of black stone covered in rusted cogs and gears, they were immediately determined to find the way in. This soon led to the first party death. They dropped a torch into a chasm hoping to gauge its depth, disturbing the amphisbaenopede dwelling there, which dragged the hapless cleric Liam McKinley to his demise. I almost wished he'd failed his saving throw versus death instead of being eaten alive. The party considered a few plans to rescue him, but -- ooh, shiny -- got distracted by the gems embedded in the temple wall and commenced to looting instead.

The party's other adventures included a battle with giant mutant kangaroo rats, a conversation with a demented cave hobbit, and the discovery of a strange metal mask which Ammo the Dwarf declined to put on despite the taunting of his fellow PCs. Luckily enough the session ended with a big fight between a weird old wizard and his goons. I expected this to turn into a parley, but with a lucky shot Aedar the Elf popped an arrow through the wizard's Shield spell, and the mayhem was on. The party ended up fighting a desperate but doomed battle against a dozen twisted orcs made of clay and fungus while the wizard hid himself.

Only One Thumb survived the melee, holed up in the wizard's cave twenty feet up the cavern wall. He watched for hours, hoping to finish the wizard off with a sling bullet, or to lure him back up to the cave where he'd laid a trap made from bedding doused in oil. Alas, the halfling waited long enough for the wizard to rehearse Charm Person, and missed his sling shot when the magician stepped out to cast it. One Thumb failed to resist the spell, and there we draw the curtain, leaving the game's only survivor to an uncertain future.

All in all things went well, and as I say I had a blast! There were a few things I'll need to improve for future games:

• It was tricky describing rooms and hallways concisely for mapping purposes. I worked around this by just sketching rooms myself when needed, but I'd like to improve my explanations. I wonder if simpler dungeon layouts might work better for one-shot games as well?
• There were also two occasions when I missed important bits of layout because I skipped ahead to a room's most interesting feature. The one time this was tactically important I let the players know they could adjust their actions according to the new information if they wanted to and they were cool about it.
• Finally I need to work on my timekeeping, and sharpen up transitions from loose exploration to round-by-round action. The lead-in to the final battle had players scattered all across the room doing various things and I should have switched to rounds sooner to keep a clearer sense of where and what everyone was up to.

All in all, phew, I'm relieved. Having a successful first session under my belt gives me a lot of confidence. I hope to run more games at the Meet Up, and maybe give a go at running an open campaign.

Special thanks to my wife, who's been incredibly encouraging. See? I even won a prize!

Ruinous Beauty

Inspirational images from the series Abandoned Places, courtesy the fascinating (and marvelously named) photo blog If Charlie Parker Were a Gunslinger, There'd be a Whole Lot of Dead Copycats.

Summon Godzilla!

Here's a chart for Encounter Critical. Sufficient unto the day is the folly thereof.

If a Warlock or Mad Scientist is exceptionally successful when using the Conjure ability the following chart may be consulted. Note that Conjure only summons the creature or creatures. The spell Demon Master or the Monster Friend, Machine Friend or Seduction abilities may be required to control the summoned being(s).

1. 3-12 Blink Beast assassins (72% Sneak Attack, Murder chances per 4th level Criminal)
2. 1-2 Giant Robots (as Magic Statues of triple size and strength, i.e. 90-360 hp and 9-54 damage)
3. 1 Demon Magistrate and 1-4 Infernal Ape Attorneys
4. 1 Dragon of Fire
5. 3-30 Phantasmatic Battle Spheres
6. 3-18 Succubi accompanied by 1 exceptionally grouchy Gjenie eunuch
7. 2-20 Tyrannosaurus rexes
8. 1-3 Vorvons or Vampires (Vorvons 40% likely to have Thought Eater or Intellect Devourer pets. Vampires have Phasic Wolves, Skeleton Bats or Renfield Servitors 66% of the time.)
9. 7-12 Whirling Dervishes (an EC Dervish has only 2-16 hp and strikes for a mere 1-4 damage. But he attacks 1-20 times per round with a base 100% chance to hit! I envision a pack of speedfreak Mevlevis spinning at Tasmanian Devil velocities. Per the rulebook, 25% chance to be armed with grenades.)
10. 1 Godzilla

Inspired by Jeff Rients.

SEE ALSO: Discovered on the Phantasm website, further evidence of my theory that Don Coscarelli plays Encounter Critical: the Regman Quad-Barrel Dwarfcutter. The gun's going onto my EC weapons chart and the name's going into my NPC rogues gallery.

MP3: Sparks - Eaten By the Monster of Love (Compact Disc - Download)

More Words

One way to think of Wohoon is: Gamma World rewritten as weird fantasy rather than a science fantasy setting. Admittedly that's a fine and perhaps spurious distinction. Like Gamma World Wohoon is post-apocalyptic. There will be robots and rayguns and possibly  probably definitely giant radioactive monsters rising from the depths to occasionally stomp across the landscape. There will be mutants, and how.

But in essence it's a fantasy world. Hobbs, elves and dwarfs, goblins, ghouls and giants, the whole schmeer. It's just that it takes place after your basic act of magical hubris blasted the best part of civilization into rubble and splinters. The hills are alive -- in some cases quite literally -- with wild magic. Whole forests are twisted by polymorphic radiation into impossible shapes, ogrish trees with beards of jangling glass and leaves of paper.

Time is broken too. The cataclysm that doomed Wohoon was caused by a cabal of chronomancers, believed to have been flung far into the future, and worshipped by furtive cults as the Gods Yet to Come. In some places time spins backward, or loops upon itself. Skyscrapers and clocktowers rise up from the shallow waters of the Sea of Clocks. The lost objects of a thousand worlds and ten thousand generations accumulate in a junkyard somewhere south. Folk from other times are drawn here as well: lost zeppelineers, dinosaur herders, mad scientists. Undeath is chronomantical in nature, a generally foul attempt to thwart the proper passage of time.

I'm already well past 25 words and the edge of coherence, but here's a few more, in the sentenceless manner Noisms suggests:

Bandits, slavers; nomadic fey; bat-faced goblins, orc parthenogenesis; molemen at the center of the earth; a dragon-locomotive 500 miles long; scattered villages, trading moots, no nations; only local gods.

Wohoon, in less than 10 words

Thundarr the Barbarian, with backgrounds drawn by Salvador Dali.

-----------

There are a lot of great settings being cooked up at the moment: Thool, Athanor, The Valley of Blue Snails, Yoon-Suin, Cinder. If you're working on one, I'd love to hear a summary in 25 words or less (And please post a link if you've got someplace online where you go on and on about it!).

Thirty Wizards of Wohoon

1. The Abominable Anton Phraint
2. Aname Rebus, lexicomancer, cabalist and dungeon cartographer.
3. Armored-In-Teeth, Papa Shark's horse, sea dwarf houngan.
4. Black Jenkin, Eater of Cats, a goblin fevercloak.
5. The Blue Witch, Arfuun of the Husk
6. Brindle the Skiver, were-rat curio merchant and unabashed recruiter for the lycanthropic lifestyle.
7. Doctor Optogon (Uncle Spider, Old Twelve-Eyes), the beholder librarian of deChirico. Flightless but quite mobile in his arcano-mechanical spider harness.
8. Elruss Wu Jinn (Old Dirty Bastard), madman, mushroom eater, master of the 36 Hexagrams.
9. Falash the Leech, a healer, of sorts.
10. Geenya Dare, the Child Lich of Roonok.
11. Gusten Cipher, a moleman monster-builder specialized in flesh golems.
12. Idal Rodavlas, Archaeo-mnemo-dweomerist.
13. Iovolovoi, Mirror of Dawn, Fulcrum of Noonday, Warder of Dusk, high priest of a sun god chained to a pillar in the desert.
14. Ishkish the Cutter
15. Kibreel Shellback, lizard-man witch doctor of Ten Tree Fen and Binyah Sump.
16. Laughing Margett, druidess and blood-drinker, whose mirth bares a mouthful of thorns
17. Mamsy Illmazer, Mother Ulcer, goblin clanmother and fevercloak.
18. Moon Mad, the Voice of Bronze, a collective mind that animates a score of living bronze statues scattered across Wohoon.
19. The Protean, a colossal mass of seething sentient mud, crackling with radiation and insane with the magic of the scores of wizards it has enveloped.
20. Ooloosk the Whisperer
21. Orvix Alt, a moleman monster-builder specialized in gargantua.
22. Otsana Muraz, enchantress and bandit queen, leading her charmed bravos against slavers and merchants alike.
23. Shining Obwoon, a princeling of the elves, grown so fat with sweetmeats and nectar he can no longer stand.
24. Suling, Hermit of the Bamboo, a mendicant monk with a cloak of bells and a basket over his head, piping strange tunes on a reed flute.
25. Thomas Nodisen Alv, Wizard of Olmen Peak, machine-mage. "The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around;" he is rebuilding his own body for the fourth time.
26. Tolobeq the Imp, inventorist of the junk heaps of Oscura.
27. Triskelion
28. Yugnav Sety (the Sleeper, the Silent Captain), adrift on the Sea of Clocks in a rusted iron barque, dreaming a thousand-year-dream.
29. Zemyel Vetch (Wretch, Twitch), itinerant alchemist, abuser of his own wares, sometime venefice.
30. Zosimos Umon, an accident of magic, a homunculus born of a drop of a wizard's blood and the clay where the blood was spilled.

MP3: Mariee Sioux, Wizard (Compact Disc & Download)
Early version of a track from Mariee's debut album. Final version and lots more at her Myspace page.
MP3: Gianluigi Trovesi, C'era una strega, c'era una fata (Compact Disc & Download)
Once upon a time in the witch wood...

"It comes from the Greek word for giant"

One of my favorite remembrances of Gary Gygax is this one at The Onion's pop culture site, the AV Club. Like the author I was one of the lonely thousands of kids for whom D&D was a mostly solitary escape. He captures the mix of gladness and melancholy I feel remembering the many hours I spent reading and re-reading the DMG and running Keep on the Borderlands as a solo adventure.

I was surprised at how much Gary's death affected me. I'd collected some 3rd Edition books, but I hadn't actually played D&D or any other role-playing game more than once in eighteen years. And while I had come to see how warm and generous Gary could be with his fans and admirers, I never met him, nor even interacted with him in one of the various online forums he visited. But the news stung. And more than that, it was a memento mori: the mysterious and distant oracle of my youth, the sage and scholar whose work I annotated, was simply a man, and was gone.

That's when I resolved to turn my lifelong, if intermittent, love for D&D and other games into something more than a solitary pursuit -- a few weeks later I started this blog, a month later I played in a pick-up game. Now I'm playing once or twice a week and hoping to run a Basic/Labyrinth Lord game at the local D&D meet-up. I have Gary to thank for that.

Untold Tales of God City

Rumors overheard by players in my Encounter Critical game:

• The abandoned geodesic domes of St. Elf's Beard Hospital have come to be known as "St Elseweird" because of the strange goings on there. Some say it's haunted by the undead -- and that has so far kept a trove of valuable drugs and med-tech from being looted. (An original adventure I might eventually make available for download. Like, if I finish it ever.)
• Reclamation of the abandoned Gloombarria Mines south of Vanth is underway, but no one seems to know who's backing the effort. Folks tell wild tales of lost treasure -- and of an evil of the ancient world.
• A pilgrimage of lizard men has been observed traveling the mountains to the west. Legend has it that lizard shamans and headshrinkers gather once every 44 years to seek their earthly paradise, the Land That Was Lost.
• It is whispered that a cult of Mad Scientists seeks to invoke dark forces at the sacred site of Carhenge and create an army of demon-possessed Damnation Vans. Most people think it's an old mechanic's tale. But lately there's been reports of spare parts and used motor oil raining from the sky.
• Boondocks capo Izzy "The Fish" Schwimmer is behind on his payments to the God City Honchos. The Big Boss is talking about sending someone to collect, but so far no one wants to make the trip down to Lake Hori. (Merman Izzy was building robo-stilts for the devil-fish of Lake Hori to support an aquatic take over of the God City crime syndicate. Based on the hee-larious young adult novel Whales On Stilts!)
• The rivalry between the burger joints in God City has always been intense but lately it's getting out of control. Churchy la Beef's got firebombed last week, and rumor has it a bunch of people got sick eating at Rollo's. (Cannibal chickenoid scientist Gallus 13 is exploiting the rivalry to further his chain of Little Chicken Huts. This is based on real life.)
• Somewhere to the north and east of God City there's a crashed spaceship known as the Monster Magnet because it supposedly lures monsters to it from the surrounding countryside. Another rumor says the ship is called the Golden Argos because of the deadly gold-armored mandroids who have been marauding the mountain villages. It's said that it uses an extragalactic nano-neon propulsion system -- one that doesn't require a nav beam...so someone who controlled this ship might be able to escape from Planet Vanth! (Someday I *will* run an Expedition to the Barrier Peaks / Legion of Gold mashup using Encounter Critical.)
• There's an Amazon called Jane (Or June? Was it Jarby?) recruiting bravos for a mission to rescue her family, lost in the Tiki Caves of the Fissure of Death (The Amazon is a two-headed mutant named Janus Darby, and she hopes to rescue her sister Kidney and her three step-brothers before her other sister Masha can beat her to it...Masha, Masha, Masha!)
• A Lightning Blue Dragon has taken roost in a mountain tunnel, blocking the High Desert Freightway. Desert Hobling warlord Omar Shorteef is angry about the loss of trade.
• Legendary baker Wenorb Dread -- founder of local favorite Voodoo Doughnut -- has closed shop for the season. Supposedly he's discovered a recipe for the ultimate seven layer cake, but needs a rare ingredient to attempt the recipe. (the ultimate Seven Layer Cake Golem, that is! This one and the previous were randomly rolled on the loony chart here.)
• The producers of the popular holovid show "The Most Dangerous Catch" are looking for fresh talent. Filming starts soon for Season 4: Sky Piranha Fishing Quest! (Shipwrecked on a cloud? Lost in space? Attacked by pirates? Edited for maximum embarrassment by the producers? So many ways this could have gone.)
• God City's beloved record shop, the Sonic Phasogram, home to the latest and greatest in every audio format known, might be going out of business. The scuttlebutt is trouble with the landlord. The Electric Bugbear is headlining a benefit concert. Should be a good show. (Basically the plot of Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo)

Frog & Toad Are Fiends: An Amphibious Top 10

When he wasn't pretending to pop out an eyeball and eat it, my dad used to recite, in tones of solemn gravitas belied by the glee in his eyes, the following poem:

Walkin' down the road
Saw a big fat toad
Guts layin' all over the tar
Musta been hit by a big ol' car

So if I grew up warped it was nurture, not nature.

10. Firetoad It's a giant toad that spits fireballs. Pedestrian.

9. Blindheim It's a man-toad with high beams. Peculiar.

8. Grippli Tree frog men, because D&D never tires of piling on more intelligent humanoids! I mix these guys up in my head with the fiddling grigs featured on the same page of the Monster Manual II, resulting in musical frogs whose piping song lulls and confuses travelers.

7. Muckdweller It's a salamander that squirts a blinding stream of muddy water. Pah-tooey! They are lawful evil, and sometimes consort with generally neutral lizard men. I imagine them as sinister tempters, encouraging the lizard men's hunger for human flesh...

6. Type II Demon (Hezrou) The toad demon is iconic to be sure, but it’s nowhere near as memorable as Types I and III-VI. It lacks pizazz.

5. Ice Toad I was ready to plunk these down at 9 or so: giant toad, blast of cold, OK, OK. But what’s this? "The ice toads have their own weird language?" Now I wonder what they’re up to, croaking and ribbiting in the eldritch glow of the northern lights...

4. Killer Frog Froggie went a killin’ and he did ride, hey hey. And, please note, they are "specially bred mutants. Only their cannibalistic habits keep them from becoming common and thus a real threat."

3. Bullywug It’s the name, really. Say it out loud three or four times and it’ll have you grinning. It’s like a novelty song from the 50s. At the same time, imagine the fracas a squad of these guys could cause, marching out of a bog in a frigging frog phalanx, with spearmen hopping over the shield wall to attack the party’s backline. Not the Hully Gully, not the Frug – good golly it’s the Bullywug!

2. Slaad The slaadi might make it onto my actual, not joking around top ten monster list. When I write that up maybe I’ll have something more intellectual to say. But honestly, one reason why I liked them so much as a kid? They’re freaky froggin’ bad asses! Spell abilities out the croakhole! Two-handed magic swords! One of them lays eggs in you! One of them has claws like Wolverine!

1. Froghemoth The slaadi might have the real ultimate power of the toad monster world, but the froghemoth has Zowie. Gygaxian naturalism is a beautiful thing, to be sure. But sometimes you have to tell naturalism of any stripe to take a flying leap into the phantasmagorical, as Gygax himself demonstrated with this beautiful monstrosity.

Tales From God City

After a good six-seven month run I just ended my online Encounter Critical game, God City Sandbox. Play by post games are fueled by enthusiasm and attention, and the game seems to have run out of steam the last few weeks. With a couple players incommunicado my own enthusiasm sorta fizzled too, and I let the game drift off into the phasic sunset. So it goes.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna get all weepy. I had a damn good time while it lasted! Here are my favorite bits:

• At the very start of things the players decide to grab a bite at Rollo's burger joint. Now, one of the players had actually heard a rumor that a bunch of people had gotten sick eating at Rollo's...but for some reason never mentioned this to his pals. Sure enough, they ate the mystery meat and fell victim to the Wandering Upchuck Table.
• A bit later the party need some info from someone they knew only as "Darryl's HAWT Mom." So they get Darryl on the line, who turns out to be a lisping teenage lizard hybrid (picture a cross between Milhaus and a sleestak). One of the players decides to blow smoke up the poor kid's hinder, pretending to have news of his long lost father. That ended with Darryl in tears, which did not amuse Darryl's Mom even slightly. Darryl's HAWT Mom, who turned out to be a Huge Ancient Wyrmic Tyrannosaur. Much grovelling at the foot of a half-dragon T-Rex ensued.
• They end up going to a giant battle royale. I asked the players for pre-fight training montages, and they came up with these. Awesome!
• They were supposed to watch over Darryl at the Brawl. Darryl, of course, was the original pipsqueak, and got choked out in about 30 seconds flat. Some goblin medics try to load him onto a crane with the other wounded, and a couple players flip. out. The pioneer Buck Pulsar jumps on the dipper bucket as it lifts off, and despite the strict rules against using magic in the arena the warlock Quazarn fires off his spell Troublesome Toy, which turns the whole crane arm into silly putty.
• When the cannibal goon squad sent to catch the warlock goes berserk, the party's frankenstein warrior Creature rips off one goon's arm and beats another one to death with it. Later in the Brawl, Creature's player and I had the following exchange:

  PC: Creature spews hot coffee in the face of the giant.
  Me: By spew d'you mean spitting coffee in his face? Cos if it's hot enough to scald his eyes it's hot enough to burn yo tongue...
  PC: Yes, I mean summon the coffee within me that I just drank, up my esophagus and out my mouth. My thinking is that while it may be scalding to a giant's eyeballs, it might just be a nice warm drink to the digestive system of a Frankenstein.
  Me: ....
  

• The hobling criminal, Hobson, spent a good part of the Brawl trying to rob lockers and using his hologram cloak to masquerade as a police officer in order to bamboozle the head of arena security. Eventually Chief Tallbard had Hobson and Quazarn cornered, but the hobling shot the Chief in the leg with a crossbow -- the only time he rolled an attack the whole game too!
• Despite beating up on klengons, wookies, and some elf wrestlers, the PCs seemed totally intimidated by a mystical hobling-vulkin crossbreed (a vobling, natch) who never even stood up the whole time they talked to him. Goons and greasers they could deal with, but a lounging hippy who talked in song lyrics and gibberish mantras had 'em spooked!
• The opposition got tougher the longer the Brawl went on, but the party held together until they faced Aarn, Son of Aarn and Olley, Cousin of Aarn, Son of Aarn. Aarn went down pretty quickly, but Olley just hung on and on till the last standing PCs finally took the retreat chutes out of the Brawl...
  

In retrospect the I let the Brawl drag on too long. It could've been done in a single session face to face, but it was probably too much of a grind for online. I made it clear from the start that they could quit the Brawl at any time, but I could have reminded them here and there as things wore on. In any case, I loved running for all of the players who visited my version of Vanth. Hope they had as much fun as I did!

SEE ALSO: All of the play threads are archived at the God City Sandbox blog, for any as like to read game logs.

Winter War!

Friday before last I packed my bags, filled up a 30-count box with CDs (my iPod battery being drainsville), and motored south to Champaign-Urbana for Winter War 36. Here's how it went down.

First thing Friday night was Jeff's Encounter Critical game. He's already given the lowdown on our escape from Planet Gamma via a Left Turn at Alba-Quirky, which most people reading this have already read. I've run EC, at least as a play-by-post, but never had a chance to play. It was a hoot. Jeff didn't hand out any XP, but my PC Zeerok almost certainly gained enough for a level, what with (unsuccessfully) Reading the Mind of a dead snake person by popping its skull and poking its brain, getting the handy (ahem) mutation of telescoping arms and discovering a cure for space zombie contamination. It's too bad a few of the players seemed more interested in hanging out with their (non-playing) pals. I mean, this was a game where we slipped a mutant house-plant a mickey, flew a rocket into orbit and hot-wired a lunar rover. So their loss, obviously.

On Saturday morning I played something new for me, Cartoon Action Hour by Spectrum Games, a game that emulates the classic action-adventure cartoons of the 80s. The event was pitched as post-apocalyptic cowboys: good enough to lure me in! CAH turned out to be very fast-paced and rules light, and the cartoon-inspired setting made for a great mix of wild action and meta-game humor about commercial breaks and Action Playsets. Royce Thigpen's scenario Waste Riders was great fun. We battled our recurring foes the Ant-People and their King, had a shoot-out on horseback while chasing a Mack truck loaded with kidnapped townsfolk, and trojan-horsed our way into our nemesis Black Bart's supermarket fortress to battle his giant cyborg. What's not to love?

Up next was Matthew 'Alex' Riedel's Arcane Vault of the Magic Goddess, a 1e game featuring a buried temple to Isis and some great tricks and traps in the vein of the classic tournament modules. I can easily imagine Dave Sutherland illustrations of our hapless thief getting stuck to the wall of a magnetized pit, torched by a flame trap and, fatally, squashed by a golem! We players did more dithering than delving, and consequently didn't get to explore too much of the Vault itself. Happily, it was a runner up in last summer's Fight On! / Otherworld Miniatures adventure contest, so I'll be able to read the rest when FO #4 is published. Mike 'Chgowiz' Shorten has more on the session here.

Speaking of Cha-gow-izz (the cognoscenti say "Chicago Wiz"), he and Alex Riedel switched places for Mike's Sunday AM game, A Mob is a Terrible Thing. The moment our front line slipped down a greased slide and started getting pelted by rock throwing kobolds I had my suspicions that we'd come down with a case of Tucker's Complaint. Sure enough it was a running battle from then on, with kobolds lobbing flaming oil, rocks and javelins then running away before Alex's bloodthirsty dwarf could smash too many of them. Nothing but bad luck for my PCs: tripping and falling while chasing after a spooked henchman, trying and failing to catch a flaming gourd molotov, falling into a pit full of grey ooze, dying...

Mike's a very physical DM, on his feet for most of the session, and he pushed the pace by immediately responding to every spoken action -- unless we very clearly stated we were just planning, every damn thing that came out of our mouths was in play. Loads of low-down dirty high-adventure hijinks. Read more from Mike here and, hey, why not download the adventure for yourself?

A quick dash out for a sandwich and it was back to the table for Jeff Rients's Big Stoopid Dungeon Party. I believe that my thief LaQuinta was the first to die -- in hindsight grabbing the giant glowing ruby wasn't the smartest thing, but I had hopes of fencing it to my twin sister LaCinco. Ah well. My second character was a scholarly magic-user, who spent much of the adventure on donkey back, writing bad haiku during pitched battles and taking over mapping when our first cartographer perished. This was the limit of my usefulness since I'd prepared Read Languages and we discovered no ancient rebuses in need of decoding.

Jeff had a knack for catching individual player's voices out of a din of crosstalk and smart-assery, and a low key, almost deadpan style that worked really well with a table full of rambunctious gamers -- we didn't need any egging on to generate our own excitement. I can't imagine playing in a regular game with that many players, but as the giddy, goofy, edge-of-exhausted culmination of a con it was just about perfect.

With only a stop for coffee I was on the road and gone like a train. With just enough traffic to keep me alert and a Scandinavian audio-assist from Opeth, Robyn, and Finntroll, I was home by 10:30pm. WinterWar is a great convention. I had a fandamntastic time, and hope to make it down again next year.

Brainstorming

After a bit of dry spell creatively I've got some ideas in the works again. Well, not exactly in the works. I've got a scattershot few notions buzzing around my head but I'm stuck in the brainstorming stage. Which is cool because time goes a lot quicker at the gym if I've got gaming ideas to daydream about. But when the time comes to give shape to my mental riffing I get nowhere.
If I'm honest with myself it's laziness -- I've just got to sit down at the table, jab a pencil into my brainpan and work something loose.
Anyhow, here's what I'm kicking around:

• Hex A folksong, fairytale and legend inspired hexcrawl I wrote about in my last post. Just picked up Bullfinch's Age of Fable / Age of Chivalry / Legends of Charlemagne volume and a half-dozen more books from the library as fodder for this project, and I welcome suggestions.
• Wohoon Inspired by Cinder, Carcosa and Thool, with a name swiped from Dunsany via Scott the Invincible Overthool. I've been thinking about developing my own campaign setting, expanding on the notion of life in the aftermath of a magical cataclysm that I first posted about here. Polymorphic radiation, mutated magic-users, pterodactyl riding barbarians, mole-men. Also likely to include: bat-faced goblins, orcs that spawn like stalagmites, and an ancient civilization of demonic mantis-shrimp.
• God City Sandbox I've moved my ongoing Encounter Critical play-by-post from theRPGsite to a blog of its own, and will be filling in the odd bit of setting detail and houserules as it strikes my fancy or comes up in play.

Red Rose Around Green Briar

Late autumn I usually end up listening to a lot of English folk music, so it's been nothing but Waterson:Carthy, June Tabor, Fairport Convention and Sandy Denny all weekend. It's inspired me to put together a folklore inspired hex crawl -- nothing so grandiose as a complete setting, just a small region of dark woods and sunny glades, drowsing maidens, broken-hearted knights, goblins, giants and witches.

Rackabello and his wee doggie: Dense, gnarled forest intercut with wide footpaths. Game is plentiful here, but the giant Rackabello regards the entire region as his hunting ground, and will be hostile to any camping or hunting here. His "wee doggie," an enormous wolfhound called Greyshanks, stands a full eight feet tall at the shoulder. The pair are encountered together half the time; otherwise they wander seperately. If either does battle there is a 1 in 6 chance per round the other will come to aid his friend. If Greyshanks is slain and Rackabello survives the giant will track the killers and seek revenge if at all possible.

The Rose Knight and the Briar Knight: Light forest and park land. A flat field in the northwestern corner of the hex is sectioned off by brambly hedges into a list field. At each end of the field a rose-briar shrub is somehow grown in the shape of a weapons rack, holding lances, swords and axes. By day the Rose Knight, a Lawful Fighting man of 4th level, will be found here. He is a dark-haired young man of fair aspect, his lance garlanded and his charger draped with roses. He will gladly joust with any challengers, but he speaks only a single word: "Margay."

By night the lists are deserted and the Briar Knight roams the region. He drives before him a flock of squealing wild pigs, and himself rides a huge boar. A Chaotic Fighting Man of 6th Level, his armor and gear is wrapped with briar, and the reek of rotten apples surrounds him. He will attack intruders on sight, stampeding his swine before charging with his lance. He will not remove his helmet, but if he is slain and his visor lifted, his features are identical to the Rose Knight, but much older. He does not speak.

If either knight is slain he and all his gear with wilt and crumble into dust, but the Rose Knight will ride again at noon of the next day, and the Briar Knight at midnight.

Three Queens of Soothern: The wreck of the castle Soothern stands on an outcropping over the river bend, covered completely in thorny vines. A band of goblins dwells in the woods nearby. They are a cowardly bunch unlikely to trouble well-guarded travelers, but they are terrified of the castle, and will act to prevent it from being disturbed by any means.

The castle itself is a ruin -- in some places the vines seem to be all that keep the walls standing. The thorn wall enclosing the castle can be hacked through, but it regrows almost as quickly as it is cut. If set afire the vines will animate and attack.

If the thorns are penetrated adventurers will find the castle to be a strange and bleak place, where no truly living soul dwells. The market ground and courtyards are tableaux of bones, skeletons of men, women, children and beasts frozen in scenes of everyday life, as if they had moldered away in the middle of a May morning. The castle towers are haunted by foul undead, and the place is ruled by three sisters, hags in the guise of pretty maidens. They are lovely, but their shadows are hunched, their footprints bloody, and their sorcery wicked.

MP3: June Tabor, Fair Margaret and Sweet William (Compact Disc - Download)

MP3: Waterson:Carthy, Rackabello (Compact Disc - Download)

A month since my last post...

...and I get inspired by Scott at WOD&D to stat up a sleazebag, drug-addled, disease ridden squirrel? My muse, she is a strange one.

Todd T Squirrel:
Drug runner (3),
Handy with a shank (3),
Frikkin' awesome van (3),
STD vector (2).
Hook: Death wish

(With apologies to Chris Onstad)