Wandering Monster Charts of Dubious Utility

Body Snatchers (d12)

1. Astral Searcher
2. Doppelganger
3. Enveloper
4. Ghost
5. Haunt
6. Imorph
7. Intellect Devourer
8. Magic Jarred by evil wizard
9. Magnesium Spirit
10. Vagabond
11. Yellow Musk Creeper
12. Zygom

Sinners in the Hands of an Angry DM (d8)

1. Bookworm
2. Crypt Thing
3. Disenchanter
4. Gremlin^b
5. Hound of Ill Omen
6. Little Blue Bolts of Lightning shooting directly at characters' heads
7. Nilbog
8. Rust Monster

Ooze Rainbow (d30)

1. Black Pudding
2. Black Slime^a
3. Black Were-Ooze (Fool's Bane^a)
4. Blue Slime^a
5. Brown Mold
6. Brown Pudding
7. Crumbler^a
8. Crystal Ooze
9. Denzelian
10. Dun Pudding
11. Emerald Ooze^a
12. Gelatinous Cube
13. Gibbering Mouther
14. Glaft^a
15. Gold Slime^a
16. Gray Ooze
17. Green Slime
18. Lava Ooze^b
19. Mustard Jelly
20. Ocher Were-Jelly^a
21. Ochre Jelly
22. Olive Slime
23. Russet Mold
24. Silver Slime^a
25. Slithering Tracker
26. Stunjelly
27. Symbiotic Jelly
28. White Pudding
29. White Slime^a
30. Yellow Mold

The Walls Have XP (2d8)

2. Protein Polymorph ("They may imitate anything from a pile of treasure to small-sized room, to a party of half dozen humans or a dozen kobolds.")
3. Cloaker ("Black eyespots cover its back like buttons on a cloak, and when the tail is hidden it is almost impossible to distinguish from a real cloak.")
4. Living Statue^b (Amusingly, the Rules Compendium hints, "Not every statue in a campaign should be a living statue. If every statue in a campaign is a living statue, PCs will know that any statue they see can attack them.")
5. Stunjelly
6. Gold Bug
7. Bowler
8. Lurker Above
9. Mimic
10. Trapper
11. Piercer
12. Kampfult ("[A]ppearing to be ropes or a net, the monster surprises the unwary.")
13. Roper ("These monsters can stand upright in order to resemble a pillar or stalagmite or flatten themselves at full length upon the floor so as to look like nothing more than a hump." A hump of ropes...?)
14. Free-roaming animated object (e.g. broom, table, dagger...or rope. Look, you just shouldn't trust ropes is all.)
15. Storoper ("appears to be a small statue of a roper," lol.)
16. Wandering Pit

^a: Arduin
^b: BECMI

Summon Godzilla!

Here's a chart for Encounter Critical. Sufficient unto the day is the folly thereof.

If a Warlock or Mad Scientist is exceptionally successful when using the Conjure ability the following chart may be consulted. Note that Conjure only summons the creature or creatures. The spell Demon Master or the Monster Friend, Machine Friend or Seduction abilities may be required to control the summoned being(s).

1. 3-12 Blink Beast assassins (72% Sneak Attack, Murder chances per 4th level Criminal)
2. 1-2 Giant Robots (as Magic Statues of triple size and strength, i.e. 90-360 hp and 9-54 damage)
3. 1 Demon Magistrate and 1-4 Infernal Ape Attorneys
4. 1 Dragon of Fire
5. 3-30 Phantasmatic Battle Spheres
6. 3-18 Succubi accompanied by 1 exceptionally grouchy Gjenie eunuch
7. 2-20 Tyrannosaurus rexes
8. 1-3 Vorvons or Vampires (Vorvons 40% likely to have Thought Eater or Intellect Devourer pets. Vampires have Phasic Wolves, Skeleton Bats or Renfield Servitors 66% of the time.)
9. 7-12 Whirling Dervishes (an EC Dervish has only 2-16 hp and strikes for a mere 1-4 damage. But he attacks 1-20 times per round with a base 100% chance to hit! I envision a pack of speedfreak Mevlevis spinning at Tasmanian Devil velocities. Per the rulebook, 25% chance to be armed with grenades.)
10. 1 Godzilla

Inspired by Jeff Rients.

SEE ALSO: Discovered on the Phantasm website, further evidence of my theory that Don Coscarelli plays Encounter Critical: the Regman Quad-Barrel Dwarfcutter. The gun's going onto my EC weapons chart and the name's going into my NPC rogues gallery.

MP3: Sparks - Eaten By the Monster of Love (Compact Disc - Download)

Wandering Upchuck Table

Or, What Happens If You Eat the Tainted Meat?

A chart used in my Encounter Critical Play-by-Post game, God City Sandbox.

3d6

3. Mutation, permanent. Use EC chart or variant

4. Madness, permanent. Roll on EC Psychic & Magic Diseases/Curses chart

5. Dreadful daymares. Incapacitated and raving for 2-8 rounds

6. Mutation, temporary. 24 hours less ADA score

7. Madness, temporary. As AD&D confusion spell for 1-6 rounds

8. Skin turns random color. Roll d8 on ROYGBIVX. X=roll twice and combine. Lasts 20 days less ADA score

9. Hallucinatory projections. Stars, birds, skulls, punctuation marks, etc appear to orbit victims head for 2-8 rounds. Vigorous head shaking or a slap in the face will dispel.

10. Tummy ache. No further effect.

11. Allergic reaction. 1. Hives 2. Rash 3. Sweating 4. Narcolepsy 5. Chilblains 6. Double vision 7. Giggling 8. Boogie fever

12. Convulsive heaves. 1 hp damage, saving throw to avoid fainting

13. Debilitating hiccups. -5% to all ability chances for 1-6 hours. Creative hiccup remedies may cure at JM's discretion

14. Severe halitosis, 5' radius. 10% penalty to all LEA abilities for 2-12 hours. Basic dental hygiene counters this effect

15. Sudden growth of chest hair. Permanent, subject to depilatories. Roll basic ADA roll for chance of 1-6% addition to Consume Alien Food chances

16. Insane, ravenous hunger for favorite food. Acquiring it becomes the victim's monomaniacal passion, overriding all other concerns

17. Projectile barf. Literally; roll 3-30 on ranged weapon chart to determine range and damage. Roll ADA x2 on % or fire uncontrollably. D4 ammo, must be used up within a day.

18. Upchuck of Luck or Suck. Roll on AD&D Wand of Wonder chart

MP3: Jack Walrath - Meat! (Out of Print - Hella expensive used compact Disc)

Vancian Spell Generator, or, It Pays to Enrich Your Spell Power

They say the advent of the new edition of Dungeons & Dragons means the end of Vancian magic, and I'm a bit saddened by that. Certainly there are other ways of handling magic in RPGs -- leveled or unleveled spells, modular spell creation, energy points, ability or hit point drain, skill- or feat-based, ad hoc effects based on ability scores -- and Vance's eccentric mages are a breed apart from the archetypal wizards of most folklore and literature. And I suspect that as long as "fire & forget" magic has been a part of D & D there have been those who disdained it.

I for one think Vancian magic is very evocative of sorcery as a dangerous and difficult undertaking, particularly well-matched with early editions of the game and low magic campaigns in any edition, and even more so combined with house rules to underscore the riskiness of magic use. Here for example is the wizard Mazirian preparing his spells:

...when black night lay across the forest, he would seek through his books for spells to guard him through the unpredictable glades. They would be poignant corrosive spells, of such a nature that one would daunt the brain of an ordinary man and two render him mad. Mazirian, by dint of stringent exercise, could encompass four of the most formidable, or six of the lesser spells....[He] made a selection from his books and with great effort forced five spells upon his brain: Phandaal's Gyrator, Felojun's Second Hypnotic Spell, The Excellent Prismatic Spray, The Charm of Untiring Nourishment, and the Spell of the Omnipotent Sphere. This accomplished, Mazirian drank wine and retired to his couch.

And here is the varlet Cugel, struggling to apprehend the spellbooks of a captive wizard

One or two of the workbooks he found susceptible to his understanding. These he studied with great diligence, cramming syllable after wrenching syllable into his mind, where they rolled and pressed and distended his temples. Presently he was able to encompass a few of the most simple and primitive spells, certain of which he tested upon Iucounu: notably Lugwiler's Dismal Itch. But by and large Cugel was disappointed by what seemed a lack of innate competence....[A]ttaining even a single spell was a task of extraordinary difficulty. One day, while applying a spatial transposition upon a satin cushion, he inverted certain of the pervulsions and was himself hurled backward into the vestibule.

These illustrations also bring to the fore Vance's colorful, devious and witty spell names. Prismatic Spray borrows directly from Vance, but similarly named spells have been a part of the game since AD&D, which inscribed the early players and characters right into the rulebooks: Bigby's Interposing Hand, Rary's Mnemonic Enhancer, Tenser's Transformation, Otiluke's Freezing Sphere. Named spells had died out by the time of the Third Edition, if not sooner, and the game is a little grayer, a little more pallid without them.

Then again, the game is the players and not merely the rulebooks. With that in mind, I propose a revival of Vancian magic, in name if not mechanic! Whatever version of the game you play, if you want to give your spellcasting more pomp and panache, just after the cut I have the chart for you!

Vancian Spell Generator

d	4 & 10	100	100
1	able	abecedarian	abyss
2	admirable	abhorrent	affliction
3	advanced	adamant	agent
4	altogether	aggravating	aide
5	atypical	ambivalent	arrival
6	awesome	antic	augury
7	basic	anxious	aura
8	best	audacious	bauble
9	better	augmentative	blade
10	certain	auspicious	bolt
11	clever	beatific	boon
12	common	bedeviling	brio
13	competent	benevolent	bubble
14	compleat	cacophonous	cage
15	decent	celeritous	charm
16	ersatz	chimerical	chuckle
17	excellent	concordant	cloud
18	flawless	consummate	command
19	handy	coruscant	complaint
20	ideal	crepuscular	conceit
21	least	cromulent	cube
22	lesser	delirious	dart
23	major	dispiteous	deceit
24	mighty	dithyrambic	delay
25	minor	divagating	demand
26	original	dolorous	diablerie
27	perfect	elaborate	ditty
28	potent	empyrean	diversion
29	proven	enduring	dodge
30	rare	enervating	globe
31	simple	enigmatic	doom
32	splendid	excruciating	dweomer
33	strange	expansive	exchange
34	sudden	felicitating	eye
35	superb	flamboyant	fetish
36	superior	fortuitous	fever
37	terrific	friscalating	figment
38	true	fulgurant	finger
39	unusual	fulminating	fit
40	wondrous	gratifying	fright
41		hermetical	gaze
42		ignescent	glance
43		impedimental	gloom
44		improbable	hand
45		indomitable	hex
46		indurate	hint
47		inexorable	image
48		irascible	inquiry
49		iridescent	insult
50		legerdemainic	itch
51		lissome	jest
52		lurid	jig
53		malign	jinx
54		melancholy	languor
55		mesmeric	leap
56		metamorphic	malison
57		mordant	mirage
58		multipotent	moment
59		mutable	net
60		mystifying	notion
61		nullifying	oath
62		numinous	oddment
63		obstreperous	odor
64		ostentatious	pattern
65		ungainly	peeve
66		peripatetic	phantom
67		pernicious	reproach
68		perseverant	retreat
69		persnickety	roar
70		phantasmagoric	rune
71		phlegmatic	scold
72		picayune	scourge
73		grandiloquent	sigil
74		risible	sleight
75		prestidigitative	spark
76		propitious	sphere
77		pugnacious	spray
78		puissant	swoon
79		arrhythmic	syllable
80		redolent	talisman
81		redoubtable	tide
82		remarkable	tool
83		ruinous	tower
84		salubrious	trick
85		sanctimonious	trifle
86		sanguinous	vapor
87		scintillant	vault
88		sedulous	verve
89		splenetic	vibration
90		staggering	vigor
91		tenebrous	visage
92		theoretical	vista
93		trenchant	wall
94		truculent	ward
95		tumultuous	web
96		undulating	weird
97		vexatious	whimsy
98		vitriolic	whisper
99		volant	wink
00		zealous	word

While the chart works just fine as a random generator, it can be a bit tin-eared. I find it works best with a mix of random rolls and selected words. Alliteration is encouraged, as is a visit to your favorite thesaurus or rhyming dictionary. And terms can of course be mixed, matched, inverted and perverted as you like. Enjoy!

SEE ALSO: The unique spells of Mostin the Metagnostic

SEE ALSO: Wouldn't you just know it: after the time I spent on my own generator...after going just about blind plugging terms into huge blocks of html to build the table...I discovered someone else had done it already, and done it better. Chris Pound's Language Machines can give you random name lists from Barsoom to Sumeria, with stops in the Cthulhu and Pokethulhu Mythoi en route. And his Dying Earth Spell Generator is superlative.

Sneak Preview: D&D 4e Monster Building and Customization

One of the highly touted aspects of the new edition of D&D is the ease with which DMs will be able to create and customize monsters to challenge their players. In fact, I just learned the DMs will be able build monsters on the fly, using just a few rolls of a trusty twenty-sider:

1	black	blade	brute
2	blood	blood	creeper
3	bone	bond/bound	delver
4	death	claw	fiend
5	demon	cloak/cloaked	filcher
6	doom	doom	foamer
7	dread	fang	gnasher
8	flame	fiend	horde/hordling
9	ghost	fire	howler
10	grim	gaunt	hulk
11	ice	haunt	lasher
12	iron	horn	leaper
13	night	maw	racer
14	poison	rake	reaver
15	razor	scale	ripper
16	spell	spike	scourge
17	stone	tusk	sneak
18	storm	warp/warped	swarm
19	thunder	wing	titan
20	wind	wrack	wurm

With attacks and abilities built right into the name, spelled out in ubiquitous damned adjectival compound nouns, a DM need only decide the creature's level range and role, and let 'er rip.

EDIT [in response to James Mishler]: The beauty of 4e is scalabilty, to wit

21

acid

crawl

bloodbeast